It was a dull day at work today as usual. My new profile at work since last 8 months has not shown any sparks & i am just languorously passing my time from 9 to 5. Of course its a shame that most of the website don’t open at work. But i am not complaining. I am happy with what i can get access to. Although at certain point of time during the day, i do feel depressed, sad & angry that i have no pivotal role in the department. It feels as if my talent is being wasted or sometimes i do wonder do i have even talent to begin with.
Well hopefully, this day also has come to an end. And as i sign off, i hope to have better day at work tomorrow. Till i write again, dear diary, stay safe and be mine.
Nishtha Swami (Date-08.04.2017)
What a day it was !! I am so glad its over. The envitable happened, i fought with my boss. I guess this was in the pipline, since last few months. But all the steam had now come to surface and i couldnt help but fight.
Phew ! I was not aware of my own anger and i thought i was a cool-headed person. It all started when i asked for more work, important work, something where i can apply my brains. And the boss asked me to relax that more work will come along. And that’s where i fumed up. I have been waiting for last 8 months, this is what i have been doing, waiting since last 8 months. I have been fucking paid to wait. Or should i have more prime contacts to move the chairs around here. Trust me, my eyes are burning to such an intense level that i can almost burn the monitor with my stare.
Tell me dear diary, which employee will not be angry. I am willing to do work, i want to do more work. But all the answer i get is, wait for sometime, we’ll delegate work to you. All i have been doing is waiting..Endless waiting. I know i should have looked for another job. But its tough, given the slack in the market plus my non-existent degree. But hey working in a company for 5 years & Then suddenly packing off someone to a department where you don’t work for nearly 8 months will result into some anger management issues.
And yes sir ! i am angry. I am really sorry diary to be so much angry, i don’t want to be. But hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. New work may be. Aye..?
Till we meet again, hope for a better sunrise tomorrow..
Its over. Fin. Zero. I have never ever felt so insulted & humiliated in my life. After all these 4.5 years of dedicated service to my organization..what do i get in return. A god damn fucking opportunity to hold the scissor so that the seniors can inaugarate some silly website.
This is what you get in return. The only good part in that function was a cup of milky tea & of course vegetable fritters. Who would ever have thought, that egg plant slices can make such good fritters..but well they do..
Good food incites good emotions. And this is what that well-fried Egg plant did. It calmed my mind, i had to take a big step to make things right. May be to find a new job or to take up study. But yes, something would be done soon & wheels are already churning up in my head.
Ps-Remind me dear diary, that i need to join a gym by tomorrow
Well, this was a unpredictably a good day. I got a chance to do something substantial at work. My so called “talents” were recognized. If that is the correct sentence. And I also enrolled myself into gym today.
But to be honest, i wish there would be more chances to do valuable work. Imagine sitting at desk day in and day out doing nothing. Yes, i know i am getting paid for it, but i wish there was some work involved. Being lazy is not doing anything good to my brains..I assure you that much dear diary.
Meanwhile, my anger management issues are in control, but its almost like a bubble waiting to burst in my head. I still get angry at the most inconsequential things , but hopefully .
And till we meet again dear diary, stay mine
I witnessed a beautiful sunset today, by the sea. We have never talked where i work. I know that you know that i work in a commercial building in a commercial flat, where a room full of people like me sitting in open cubicles, parted only by a wooden screen . Our basic amenities being a desktop personal computer, drawer and of course a desk to place knick knacks. My job is actually in the logistics. As much as i would love to mention that i am an executive, my work ethically only provides me to say that what i do is count and reconcile, number of trucks/dumpers which leave the port and reach to our client’s destination.
So as luck would have favoured it, today our team was invited to visit the ongoing operation at site i.e.at the port. what a magnificent place it is !! Why do people condemn it so much ? But may be i liked it because a) i like places by the sea b) it was a semi picnic for us. The road to the port, where the main operations are paved mainly of coal dust, dirt. It can induce a major allergy attack for someone who is a stickler for no dust policy. But its beautiful. I saw the barge laden with bauxite , coal, went right up to the edge..where a sharp fall of 50 meters, can lead someone to nasty fall and death among the sharp edged rocks. What a perfect way to murder someone..But why are we talking about murders. I think its also a place where anyone can have nasty accidents..but in the most unpredictable manner it is also a beautiful place to see sunsets & far away vessels. One can never ignore the vastness of the sea.
And till we meet again, dear diary. stay kind.
what a day it was at work ! my senior colleague and boss had a spat & boy it was a cat fight worth recording..May be i should have recorded it & uploaded it on You tube. It would have gone viral. The work related tension between my boss & me has not yet defused. But unfortunately there is nothing i can do about it.
My anti-depressant pills & anger management pills are helping to keep me in a happy state of mind. But sometimes i think they are just a placebo.
But the good news is, that i am going on a short vacation and i will not be returning till 16.04.2017 night. I guess i need one. I am tired of seeing the same old faces over here. I need a break. And i need to think.
Till we meet again, let us be in a happy state of mind. I will miss you..
Yours in storms, blues and sunshine,
What a day it was ! i came back from vacation and the surprisingly & delightful (excuse my insensitivity) day greeted me with open arms. I was escorted to my boss’s cabin for an informal interrogation by an inspector. Now if you are wondering what happened, then my dear diary, i present to you a snippet from the newspaper and following that my interrogation with the inspector :-
“On 17th April’midnight, at Bedi Port ,a middle aged person’s body was found in the rocks. Upon further investigation it was found that, the body was identified as that of Mr.Ravi Burman, an employee of Shah Shipping ltd. Mr.Ravi Burman , who was an senior level employee working with Shah shipping ltd since last 15 years. He was 47 years old.
Currently our confidential sources are claiming this as a case of accident or suicide. The police are also not ruling out the case of murder. Police said they will be conducting an initial inquiry about Mr.Ravi Burman’s demise. The body was found today early morning by the port workers. It was identified by the deceased’s father Mr.Kishen Burman. Mr.Ravi burman is survived by his wife Mrs.Kamla Burman , his father Mr.Kishen Burman & his two children, Vimla-8 & Charan-4 .”
And this was my interrogation with the Inspector Rao & his sub-inspector Mr.Patel.
Inspector Rao- Your name is —
Me- Ms.Nishta Swami
Inspector Rao- How long you are working for Shah Shipping Co ?
Me-I will be completing 5years with Shah Shipping Co this July.
Inspector Rao- What is your job profile over here ?
ME- Sir, i am into logistics.
Inspector Rao- How long have you known Mr.Ravi Barman ?
Me- I have known him since the time i have joined over here. He was my reporting manager since last 8 months.
Inspector Rao- We have heard that you used to have lots of squabbles with him.
ME- Well every boss and their sub-ordinate do. (Sub Inspector Mr.Patel chuckles a bit),
We had our share too.
Inspector Rao- Do you think Anyone could have murdered Mr.Burman ?
ME- No sir..He was a likable person. Fair & just.
Inspector Rao- Do you think he had enemies over here ?
ME- No sir..there were people who had a minor enmity with him, but not enough to murder him.
Inspector Rao- Who said about Murder ? !!
ME :- No..i mean..didn’t you just ask, if he could have been killed by someone..
Inspector Rao- He was successful ,right..good position, about to be promoted again, happy family. Why die ? why to commit suicide .OR was it just a gruesome accident or murder ?
Sub Inspector Patel chips in- Sir, i’ve never thought about suicide.
Inspector Rao :- You are not successful yet, Patel.
Inspector Rao- Ok, that will be it Ms. Nishta. Btw, when did you last visit port ?
Me- Just last week, sir.
Inspector Rao- And do you have any allergies to the coal, dust, bauxite, etc..?
Me- no sir.
Inspector Rao- Ok, that will be it then Ms.Nishta. Thanks..
Me- Thank you sir.
Inspector Rao- Ma’am..are you still on your medicines ?
Me – (damn me, i fumble a bit)- yes sir.
Inspector Rao- Ok thanks..”
Well, that was it dear diary. The last part i just fumbled a bit. Why did he ask about my medicines ?
Good night dear diary,
Well..i am in an empty state of mind. If it exists. If i exist. Do we all really exist. Excuse my English and thoughts. I am not on the top of the moon yet, but i am tripping around in a happy way. I know i should be feeling sad about it, but i can’t help but feel good, feel happy, feel light.
This is what happened. I came back in town on 16th late night. We had not met since last couple of days..my boss & I. So our professional animosity was not blossoming since last few days. We both agreed to meet to start a little rendezvous to which i volunteered to without any effort, because Mr.Burman, my boss vouched for my promotion and of course salary hike.
As per my social integrity and morality, i know i was not going to do anything further except to make him agree to assign me more responsible work & promotion. So we met at 12.30am in port. Its scary you know, at night. For once, you are surrounded by big heaps of coal, bauxite..and just on the edge,if you slip accidentally, you meet the rocks and of course your death. We met, we squabbled, argued. He tried to reason, tempted to show me the light..that how an illicit affair could be the key to success.
But it was not..i knew that..He did try to touch me inappropriately and i slapped him hard. As fate would have taken us, we were right there on the edge. I pushed him once, he slipped a little back but maintained his balance. He tried to grab my hand, but this time i pushed him hard. I got lucky. He fell down among the rocks and the sea. After few minutes of whimpers and helpless cries, he died..Well that was it dear diary.
I like to work & murder is hard work. I will have to burn you too. May be this is my forte. We will never meet again. but you were kind to me.